Appeals Court Refuses ABC’s Plea: “The Conners” Belongs to Roseanne

The 42nd US Court of Appeals has turned down ABC Entertainment’s request for an appeal of the decision to hand Roseanne Barr $208 million and control of “The Conners” by a Los Angeles jury.

ABC petitioned the court on the grounds that Roseanne had already signed away the rights to the show for an undisclosed amount and that no satirical jury settlement should cost them one of their best shows.

“Nobody wants her back,” said producer Joe Barron, “The entire cast will quit. John Goodman says he’ll kick her in the neck if she shows her face. How are we supposed to deal with that?”

According to the appeals judge, the Honorable Art Tubolls, it doesn’t really matter how they deal with it. “ABC stole the show from Barr and now ABC can deal with the ramifications,” he wrote in his denial letter.”

Now that the legal stuff is out of the way, Roseanne can move on to what she’s been looking to do for some time now: fire the entire cast and crew. “There’s no need for them to quit,” she said, “they’re all fired. They all betrayed me. Now they can pay the price.”

“The Conners” will likely fade into oblivion. Roseanne has plenty of money, and selling the show for syndication would put money in the pockets of the haters, so she’ll probably just let it die. It’s her show, after all.

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